Oct 27, 2009

THE DNA of a FANBOY poem

Remember that one kid in the back of your 5th grade class
drawing blaster rifles and making the corresponding
Ben Burtt-inspired sound effects during Health Ed? *BLAST*
Well, he’s back – no, wait, he never left …
well, in certain ways he did …
yeah, he’s married, yeah he got kids, yeah he kinda gotta job and kinda gotta a house and kinda gotta a car … most of the time, that is … kinda … gotta … sorta …
Well this dude is the FANBOY –

FANBOYS – not many are called and even fewer are chosen … but how?
Is it pure predestination … a sci-fi version of Calvinism?
Must be something in the DNA code … ya’know
I’ve seen some of those double-helix ladders look a lot more like
little luminescent light sabers glowing green
than they do your standard everyday average human gene Na’mean?
Now, if there’s a chromosome for blue eyes
why not one for blue blades blazing on baby baby?
I hereby declare that we start a petition drive
to get Francis Collins right on this project to find …
The FAN BOY gene …

or maybe the FANBOY is stuck on Star Wars because
it was the first movie he ever saw,
albiet in a dollar theater in the early 80’s
and as a result your first words
back when your dad said I am your father were:
“noooo - dat’s not twue - dat’s impwossible!!!”
now you may happen to be a non-Star Warrior –
and I must say that I pity your very petty existence –
and perhaps you think this is all so silly, so melodramatic
yes yes - melodrama is the essence of being a FAN BOY

how else do you describe one who is willing to wait outside
in a hot summer line in 1999
to see a movie you already know sucks …???
it’s pure melodrama to get all excited
because you know the difference between the vinyl Jawa cape
and the one made of cloth – now that’s melodrama baby –
by the way the vinyl cape is where the real cash is

It’s melodrama to send hate mail addressed to Skywalker Ranch
care of George Lucas because he dared to digitally replace
the original Anakin with that young upstart Hayden at the end of ROTJ
oh, just so you know ROTJ is geek speak for Return of the Jedi
which was originally given the pseudo working-title of Blue Harvest
because Lucas did not want the film to leak to the press
and in the modern era Family Guy
has picked up on this historical quirk
and dubbed their Star Wars parody as the Blue Harvest Edition
but if you ain’t feelin’ what I just said
then that’s because it ain’t in you
– you ain’t no FANBOY – you’s a sucka …
probably a closet Trekkie or even worse –
a Dune dude or a Battlestar Galactica … person

See, all other science fiction must bow its knee
to the Holy Trilogy
All other science fiction is for true nerds
Star Wars, my friends, is for the cool nerds …
the ones who will dump their fangirl girlfriends in a heartbeat
just to be with Carrie Fisher for 5 minutes …


And my personal theory is that being a FANBOY or FANGIRL
is in direct proportion to one’s midichlorian count …
and mine is way high - so WHAT!


  1. Brent Donoho11:51 AM

    I aint no jedi, I aint no sith,
    but those rhymes were worth the use of bandwidth.


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